There I was, standing on the scale thinking to myself “ How in the world did I get here?” That thought was followed by “I may as well accept my life as it is because it ain’t getting better.” What a bunch of crap!
And it was crap! I discovered the truth behind the saying “I think, therefore I am”. The power of our thoughts and the things we say to ourselves in the privacy of our minds, those words really do matter. If I think to myself that I hate to run, for example, I really will hate running and the more I say that, the more I will hate it.
Let me start by explaining a little about me. I have never been what one might call an overachiever. I was happy to go along the middle of the road, not sinking in the pits of self destruction and not flying with those souls whose soar above the average. I was the epitome of average and what was worse, I liked it there, the middle of everything. I thought it was okay to walk through my life avoiding the hard stuff. I managed to make my way pretty good, until I was faced with things that were hard and then, this average, soft, and weak person let life push her down. My solace of choice…food.
After my first baby, everyone told me how easy it would be to get down to my pre pregnancy weight, which for me, wasn’t all that bad. After about 6 weeks, I had ten pounds to go. Then, I faced a few challenges that took me from my easy and comfortable life to: What was I doing with my life. The challenges themselves were some that most people face and are not important but what is important is how I responded to them. Like a plant whose roots don’t grow deep, I was tossed around on the whim of the wind. I felt out of control, no direction, no conviction of soul, even making a decision of any kind was difficult. Unless I was eating. Now there was something I could do that I enjoyed, it was my choice and it felt good to satisfy cravings and fill what was empty. I realized that I could simply eat my way around, over, in, and through my problems.
It took me twelve years and five children later to finally realize that I needed to make some changes. It didn’t matter what the scale said, in my mind, I might as well weigh a ton. The realization came hard to me one day when I noticed that in all the pictures of my family; family vacations, Christmas, reunions, birthdays, all the moments we want to preserve and remember, I was always the one with the camera. I was not in very many pictures with my children and husband. That was simply because I HATED the way I looked in pictures. It was a reminder that might as well be etched in stone titled, “The Woman Who Lost Control”, so I tried my very best to stay out of the pictures or at least hide in the back and hope no one noticed me. How sad and destructive those thoughts were! What did that say about me as a person, a wife, a mother? My kids had all these pictures to remember those special occasions but I was not in them? If something ever happened to me, would they remember me? What I looked like, the way I smiled, how a sat or stood or held myself? It was then that I first came to realize that I needed to change. Some small thing changed in my mind…the mental click.
In the fall of 2009, my baby was 6 months old. I was feeling like I would never be able to get control of my eating and my life. I even started to think this is just the way I am…accept it. One thing I did try to do regularly was exercise. Was it effective? No, not really. It kept me from gaining more weight, but the struggle was never with activity, it was with food. So, I did my token “workout” 3 or 4 times a week. That fall, the gym offered enrollment in “The Biggest Loser” competition. The idea was based on the show only those who entered paid $500 and committed to 6 weeks with a trainer. Workouts 6 days a week and weigh in every Friday. There would be teams and based on who lost the most body fat percentage, the winners would be chosen. The sign-up sheet sat out on a table for a month and every time I walked passed it, I kept thinking, should I do this? No, it is too time consuming. No, it will be hard. No, it cost too much. At the time, my husband was starting his own business and money was very tight. To spend $500 on me seemed crazy! When I told Cody about my reservations, he sold a bookshelf and gave me some of the money and then said, “Don’t let anything else prevent you from giving this a try. You have been thinking about it for a long time, which tells me you want to do this but you are trying to find ways to talk yourself out of it…well don’t. Go sign up.” I did and that started my journey that has changed my life in so many ways.
I arrived on the first day early in the morning. I wondered just how hard this could really be. I mean, I have five kids. Could this really be much harder than trying to stretch emotional and physical needs to five little people and one husband? As the days went by, I realized it was more difficult for me. After the first week into The Biggest Loser, I felt tired, my brain felt fried, I was coming off my 12 year sugar buzz, and the workouts were brutal. I had many conversations with myself that week. “What the heck are you doing?” “Can you really last another five weeks?” “This was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done for $500 bucks.” Then, one day, early in the morning, 5:30 am to be exact, 11 days into it, I was trying to finish a strength and endurance class. You know how it is when you workout so hard but your body isn’t used to it, and you begin to feel sick. That was me right then. Once again, I started that conversation with myself and I finally asked myself the question, “Why are you here? Why? Why?” Then something happened. It was my new voice, my strong voice, my voice that tells me I can accomplish anything. (I think she was asleep for 12 years but that morning, she woke up.) I have a distinct memory of that voice saying, “Because you chose to be here.” When I realized that was me talking to me, something CLICKED in my brain. My thoughts shifted after that from “Why are you here?” to “What is it going to take to finish this class? To get through the next 20 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes?” Was it easier to get up at the crack of dawn? Stop my sugar frenzy? Exercise? I wish I could tell you that it was easier, that everything just fell into place and I went on my merry way but no, it wasn’t easier. It was still hard, very hard, but what I did realize is that I CAN do hard things. I heard and felt that mental click. I wasn’t as weak or soft as I believed. In fact, as it turns out, I am strong and tough and I will do what it takes to take control of my life.
